By Dog the Bounty Hunter
Television Host, Bounty Hunter
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Jordy Nelson, WR, Kansas State
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What an impressive young man. A real hometown hero. The great people in Kansas absolutely cannot get enough of this kid. Rarely in our "me-first" times do you see such an example of wholesome family values also succeed on the field. Not an ounce of "oncho cinco" in him. This boy makes the Hardy Boys look like meth dealers, and I know from meth dealers! Jordy Nelson ain't one (unless you're talking about his cattle farting up a storm, which is all right: just another harmless contribution to God's radiator). No, Jordy's deceptive speed is au naturel:
You see that? I ain't saying Aqib Talib is a terrorist or nothing, but they don't have "character issues" in Riley, Kansas, you know what I'm saying? They don't have no mosques, either. Or Hollywood movie theaters. Judge the results for yourself.
Danny Amendola, WR, Texas Tech
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Don't let the Mexican-sounding name fool you: here's another fine kid who defines "possession receiver," like that other short dude from Tech up in Boston. I ain't never cared much for the Patriots, I have to say, but I like that boy Welker. Look what he did there when surrounded by first round picks at both outside receiving spots, tight end and running back and had a well-protected Hall-of-Fame quarterback feeding him the ball. He dominated the league! A Raider is a Raider, my daddy always said, and I ain't gone against my daddy's word yet. If he can spot heart and courage with half his body wedged underneath our old couch in the middle of an eight-day stretch in which he exhibited no other signs of consciousness, he definitely knows something.
Danny Boy comes from Lubbock, too, so I'd take him just on the off chance he ever came across my original big toe. I'd trade a second rounder just to know what ever came of Li'l Dog.
Tom Zbikowski, S, Notre Dame
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I'll tell y'all right now, they don't make `em like this any more. Here's a real all-around athlete who don't take no shit from nobody. He just brings the pain!
Hell yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about: Head strong, you know what I mean? A hard worker with experience and intelligence who gets by more on desire than athletic ability, always playing with something to prove. Translation: he's just a football player. How much do your "fluid coverage skills" and "recovery speed" help when you're face-down in the mud at the bottom of a pile? That's what I thought.
Jamie Silva, S, Boston College
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I tell you what, normally I'd never pick a kid outta some place like Boston – all the good players there come from upstanding places like Michigan and Texas and Ohio and Arizona – but I saw B.C. play a couple times and this one here is a ballhawk, man. He's always around that pigskin, and he has great hands, always useful in a safety. He may run in the 4.8 range, but he plays football smart, and he rocks the most awesome hairstyle in the draft. Well-spoken guy with a lot of heart and courage and excessive eyeblack who'll represent some lucky team very well off the field.
Todd Blythe, WR, Iowa State
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Y'all remember that other ugly boy from Notre Dame who decided to play baseball a couple years ago, Samardziasfjaifjidemnijad? This is pretty much the same dude, except from Iowa State instead, and he played his whole career with a totally lame quarterback, so he doesn't get the same kind of attention. Give him some sharp-shooting, well-groomed stud in the pocket like Brady Quinn, and everybody'd know, Todd Blythe is one bad mofo. And if there's one thing I've learned on this job, it's never turn your back on an Iowan you don't know, or else you wind up picking corn from parts of your body you didn't know existed for the next decade. You can put those bastards away, you can pass on them in the fifth round, but those Iowans: they always get theirs in the end.
So he doesn't have "blazing speed." He plays fast, he's big, and he's tough, competitive, fearless, and a hard worker with top intangibles. He could use some work on his haircut, you know, but couldn't we all? Heh, I know my wife could.
Now that's S-E-C Footbaw!
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Jacob Hester, RB, LSU
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If I'm honest, I have to say this little sumbitch is probably my all-time favorite football player. And that's just what he is: not the biggest, not the fastest, not real athletic, just a down home, hard-nosed, kick-ass country boy that loves football and always gives 120 percent for his team. How he plays is the way they played in the SEC for 50 years, y'all, Gary Danielson said it and he ain't lyin' - straight-ahead, no dancing, no prancing, no chest-thumping and acting the fool. He's like one big heart out there, pumping along, shooting blood all over the place. Always falling forward, always getting the job done.
These draft "experts," they think they know, but they just want to measure 40 times and a bunch of bullshit like that. If I was a general manager, I'd take eleven Jacob Hesters and Craig Steltzes over a JaMarcus Russell any day. Think of it like this: who's got a ring and who doesn't? That says all you need to know right there.