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Texas Towns Vote to Indict Franchione

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Citizens call lies, losses 'crimes against TAMUnity.'

NAVASOTO, Texas - Voters in two south Texas towns approved measures Tuesday calling for the indictment of former Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchione for what they consider gross violations of Aggie pride, sparking rumors among some observers that the embattled, unemployed coach is "one lowdown sonofabitch."

The items, advanced by petition and an unruly crowd that included four torches and at least one rusty pitchfork, sought to have police arrest Franchione if he ever visits Dime Box or nearby Navasoto or to extradite him for prosecution elsewhere - if the well-traveled boss isn't caught by Alabaman vigilantes with a longstanding bounty on his snowy head first.

Franchione: Doesn't care what you think.
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The question put to voters in Navasoto referred to "crimes against our university, its upstanding student-athletes and loyal fans," specifically losing a game to Oklahoma 77-0 in 2003 and costing the university more than $220,000 per win each of the last two years, money that came from taxpayers and oft-disappointed ticketholders.

"That's our money!" chanted the crowd, overwhelming a handful of confused voters attempting to vote in the Democratic and Republican presidential primaries.

"I realize it's an extreme thing to do, and I wouldn't do it if I wasn't hopping mad," said Dana "Scooter" George, 64, a retired landscaper who admitted he was not a fan of R.C. Slocum but organized the petition because he had grown tired of the shadowy, behind-closed-doors nature of the Franchione administration. "We're really angry about Con Man Fran getting involved in the secret newsletter and disrespecting the will of the people. If we knew what was in those reports, we never would have supported authorizing him to go to the 4-2-5.

"We were told Red Bryant and Jason Jack were linemen of mass destruction. We were told they were a `slam dunk,'" George continued. "We were misled."

The ballot proposal read: "Shall the Board instruct the Town Attorney to draft indictments against Dennis Franchione for crimes against our team, up to and including a losing record in Big 12 games, zero South division titles, five losses in six years to Texas Tech, Reggie McNeal's senior year and the entire 2005 secondary, and publish said indictments for consideration by other authorities, and shall it be the law of the City of Dime Box that the Dime Box Police, pursuant to the above-mentioned indictments, arrest and detain Dennis Franchione in Dime Box if he is not duly captured, and prosecute or extradite him to other authorities that may reasonably contend to prosecute him, and/or deliver him to hordes of drunken T-Sips?"

"He's left the program in shambles and destroyed its reputation around the Big XII," said student Jordan Hodge, 23, outside the Dime Box YMCA after being thrown out of the meeting for attempting to vote for Franchione's indictment twice. "A one-dimensional quarterback, a 280-pound running back, a completely inept defense. Secret reports that say god knows what. Don't get me started on Mike Goodson.

"He's gone, but we're still picking up the pieces. Someone deserves to pay."

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It shouldn't be necessary, but experience tells me yes, yes it is: satire, folks. Based on this. Sorry about the 'TAMUnity' thing. Calmate.