clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

And On Election Day...And On Election Day...We Won't Run Away

New, 3 comments

It's primary day here in Texas, a state that usually "doesn't matter," and the furor over the decisive vote has hit a fever pitch. The speeches and rallies are finished. The lines are forming. The candidates have their game faces on. It's game time.

But are the voters really informed on the issues that matter? Namely, where do the candidates stand on the spread vis a vis the availability of a running quarterback over the next four years? When the clock is winding down, and it's fourth and long, who do you want calling the shots?

For the discerning voter who demands of a government of the people, peopled by people, a last second primer on where the people in question stand in the clutch...

McCain Clinton Obama Paul
Idol Gen. Robert Neyland
Goldie Hawn
Dan Hawkins Pop Warner
Offensive Philosophy Wishbone (NOT the Flexbone, a derivative, watered-down disgrace to the armed services) West Coast, until trailing in the second half, in which case she was misled about the scripted plays. Spread Option, run by fellow lefty/messiah Tim Tebow. Forty-six-man scrum with no forward passing, just as the founders intended. Would usually punt on first down.
Defensive Philosophy Base 5-2, strong nose guard, no blitzing under any circumstances. Blitzing, my friends, is for impulsive fools. Tampa Two. Everybody is doing this, right? Nickel base, to confront multi-receiver challenges of tomorrow. None, until attacked.
Personal Gridiron Achievement Tackled all-North Vietnam fullback Truong Duc Nguyen when Obama was in training turbans Honorable mention all-Atlantic 10 at Georgetown Never threw or caught a pass, but always picked first at recess. Voted against every call in high school huddle. If you don't like delays of game, get rid of the clock! There's no play clock in the Constitution!
Recruiting Philosophy Lookin' 'em in the eye with JoPa. Armani suits, crates of hair gel and plastered smiles with Nick Saban. Always be closing. Inner city craps games with Pete Carroll. Securing the borders with Mack Brown.
Discipline Mandatory minimum two-game suspension (games to be determined). Rehab: "Yes you can." Discipline is anathema to freedom. You can't break rules if there aren't any.
Favorite Bowl Game Rose. Allstate/ Tostitos/ AT&T/ FedEx BCS National Championship Game, of course. Insight. Abstains from frivolous "post" season.
2008 Sleeper Navy. UCLA. I have the utmost confidence in the experienced leadership of Rick Neuheisel. Texas Tech. Mike Leach is a distant cousin. No individual has the right to label another as a 'sleeper' before the season!
Stance on New Clock Rules There is nothing wrong with a more consistent pace. Her idea, if it works. "When we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, the NCAA Rules Committee has responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a forwardthinking cabal of advertisers that is not satisfied with the status quo: Yes...we...can." "I have fought this fight for many years. Another rule is never the answer."
Knute Rocke Moment "I knew Knute Rockne. I worked with Knute Rockne. I was supposed to be on the plane that killed Knute Rockne. And you, my friends, are no Knute Rockne." "Things look bad now, but I have encouraging news. During the first half of our third possession, productivity growth led to rising yardage gains across the board." "We know the battle ahead will be long. But in the unlikely story that is this second half, there has never been anything false about hope." "You're on your own."