clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Dude, the Crushed Look On Your Face Is Totally Worth the Felony Impersonation Charges

New, 2 comments

By Brock Tucker, Fernley High Class of `08
- - -
Oh man, dude, I am sorry. I know this got way out of hand. But you know how we do, right? Our crew doesn't half-ass this shit. Once you're in it, you're in it, right? That's always been the Fern Crew code, right?

You know you'd be laughing, too, dude. The look of pure, agonizing bewilderment on your face when you realized you committed to a school that never offered you a scholarship is totally worth the  charges of profiting from false pretense.

Now before you lose it, let me tell you, dude: it went farther than it was supposed to. We were only gonna call you, like, once. Maybe twice. It was just another one of those bets, right, where we were just out one night, cruisin', ya know, and - yeah, it was that night you said had to, like, "study," or some shit, and we were like "WTF?" right? - and Camel Toe and me, man, we were like so baked, you wouldn't even believe it, dude, and then it was like, "Dude, let's dick with that douche," and I was like, "Hell yeah, he is a douche," and it was really just all fun between friends that got blown out of proportion. Camel told your mom he'd give the money back.

Alright, I know you're pissed now, but be cool about this, dude. We weren't trying to exploit every dream you'd ever had since you were a small child just to ultimately destroy them in the most narratively humiliating way we could imagine. It just sort of snowballed. Camel got wasted and called your house and left that message pretending to be Coach Tedford, and we though that would be it. He didn't even remember when you called the number at his stepdad's house, but I though it would be funny, so I was like, "No, dude, go for it!" and he was like, "Uh, yes, son, we are very interested in your, uh, services for the Golden Bruins." He didn't even get the name of the team right and you still totally fell for it! I can't believe you didn't hear me laughing and taking bong hits.

I mean, look, Kev, you're a good player and all - second team all-Nevada, that's pretty good - but we never thought you were full of yourself enough to think, like, "all of a sudden" these big schools were interested in you. Didn't you jump offside like four times in that one game? It's not like Smith Valley is USC.

All those times I called you as "Mike Bellotti"? So, so stoned.

We were so cracking up.
- - -

You know, we didn't ask for any money. Camel was finally like, we need to stop, but your mom, she called his stepdad's one day and was all like, "Yes, Coach Tedford, I'm concerned about Mike's ability to compete in the Pac Ten," and Roscoe - you know Roscoe, dude, that man is crazy! - he was like, "Uh, Coach Tedford's not here, but I'm a recruiting assistant, uh..." and he's like pulling up Cal shit off their pirated dial-up connection, "I'm uh, Kevin Riley, and I can help your son." And once Roscoe got his claws in, dude, you know it was out of our weak ass hands. When he got the dollar signs in his eyes, it was like a train. I can't even tell you what he said he'd do to me and Camel and Camel's mom if one of us ever told. Bad things, dude.

I mean, like, seriously, man, I started crying.


But that's just Roscoe, right? He's so crazy!

So, yeah, like, so we had to get Coach Hodges involved, and me and Camel were both like, "he was a douche in driver's ed" - seriously, did he stop at McDonald's with every class, like four times a day? - so we kind of liked messin' with his head. We kept thinking, "Okay, Hodges knows what's up, he's gonna call bullshit," or we're gonna laugh, or something, and the whole thing would be up. But Hodges, he was just like, "How's your offensive line coach working out for you?" It was a trip.

And so what were we supposed to do when you told Camel you were coming to Cal, and it was the happiest day of your life? Dude, you got Sandra Fisher to go out with you. We couldn't say anything. You don't cockblock a bro like that. When Roscoe was fleeing the state, we had your back.

Maybe you don't see it like that now, but one day, dude, you'll look back on this devastating personal blow and public humiliation and laugh your ass off.

That's what senior year's all about, right? No regrets, man. Live for the moment. This is our time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right...I hope you had the tiiieeeyime of your liiiiife....

Look on the bright side, dawg: after our preliminary hearing, kegger at the Overpass Friday!! Wooooo!!!!

- - -
In all seriousness, I'm not sure it's possible to sympathize with a kid more than I do with Kevin Hart, who could't have done anything to deserve this disappointment or public humiliation (he'd be in prison if he had). Here's hoping he gets a real offer somewhere, and makes it count.

Update [2008-2-6 22:6:49 by SMQ]: Well, sympathy ends when you're not only in on the act, as commenter Will notes, but when you're the entire act, as Hart admitted to investigators today. A prank among bros would have been a better bogus explanation than "I paid a middle man," I think. Future fake recruits: I am available for hire as a consultant!