Text of Rudy Carpenter's Final State of the People's Republic of Arizona State Address

After two years since deposing Sam Keller as the Quarterback of the people and fulfilling his Heavenly mandate as Supreme Leader and Generalissimo, el presidente Carpenter is facing low approval numbers as he enters the final year of his administration and is widely considered a lame duck after blow out losses in three of the Sun Devils' last five games. As attention turns to the emerging battle between the "experience" candidate, Danny Sullivan, and brazen upstart Samson Szakacsy as Carpenter's replacement in 2009, the exalted el presidente is expected to focus on the legacy of his time in the pocket.

Dennis Erickson and Lisa Love have taken their place at the front of the locker room. Carpenter is prepared to make his entrance to thunderous applause...
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EL PRESIDENTE CARPENTER: Thank you, Coach Erickson. Thank you all.

Several years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our sovereign program has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. Our high ideals have not always resulted in the same exemplary results as we had hoped. We have faced hard decisions about philosophy and redshirting, rising competition in recruiting and the health and welfare of our heroic injured veterans. These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it's fair to say my Republic has answered that call. Yet history will record that amid our many shortcomings, we acted with purpose. And together, we showed the Pac Ten the power and resilience of the Sun Devil people. (Applause.)

Yet the actions of the 96th Team in the third year of the glorious Republican Restoration will affect the security and prosperity of our program long after this season has ended. As we enter the final year of my administration, let us reflect on our success - we have won ten games for the first time since 1996 and restored the program to its past glory as a co-champion of the Pac Ten. (Applause.) We have also encountered setbacks, and I remain disappointed that the Board of Regents rejected my call for $1.2 billion in research funding for biological and mechanical enhancements to my body so that Arizona State can lead the nation in passing yards and passing touchdowns. But let us also show our rivals that we recognize our responsibilities and are determined to meet them with the full strength of the Sun Devil people. And let us show them that Offense and Defense can compete for "athletes" and cooperate for results at the same time. (Applause.)

From expanding opportunity for significant touches among more members of the backfield to protecting our quarterback, we have made good progress. Yet we have unfinished business before us, and the proud people of our Republic expect us to get it done. (Applause.)

In the offseason ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our nation great. As a Pac Ten power, we believe in the power of the individual to determine the Team's destiny and shape its course through history, and that individual is the Quarterback, the vessel through which the people's will is made manifest. We believe that the most reliable guide for our offense is the collective wisdom of years of ASU innovation inherently possessed by the Quarterback. So in all we do, we must trust in the ability of the Quarterback to make wise decisions, and empower him to improve his teammates' lives and their draft status. (Applause.)

As we meet tonight, the mighty Republican offense is undergoing a period of uncertainty. Arizona State has added yards and points since I last addressed the Team in 2006, but since November both are growing at a slower pace. Passing efficiency is up, but so are sacks and fumbles. Time of possession is strong and rising, but the running game has declined. And at kitchen tables across the Republic, there is concern about our offensive line.

In the long run, Arizona State can be confident about our offensive production. But  in the short run, we can all see that four senior linemen are graduating and growth is slowing. We have other work to do on pass protection. Unless the Team acts, most of the gains we have delivered over the past three years will be taken away. So last week, my administration reached agreement with Coach Erickson and Offensive Line Leader Pollak on a robust growth package that includes wind sprint relief for individual centers and guards and incentives for weight room investment. (Applause.) The temptation will be to load up the bill with pass rush and route-running appropriations. That would delay it or derail it, and neither option is acceptable. This is a good agreement that will keep our offensive line growing and our quarterback in functional health. And the leaders of both the Offense and the Defense who possess in them the collective will of the Republican people must pass it as soon as possible. (Applause.)

Most Sun Devils think the sack totals are high enough. With all the other pressures on their quarterback, linemen should not have to worry about the coaching staff taking a bigger bite out of their time in the weight room, which is already regulated to nothing by the cruel sanctions of the fascist NCAA dogs. There is only one way to eliminate this uncertainty: make wind sprint relief permanent. (Applause.) And members of the Team should know: If any bill raising wind sprints reaches my huddle, I will veto it, and have those responsible shot and their bloody carcasses dragged through the locker room. (Applause.)

The people's trust in their offense is undermined by earmarks -- special interest plays that are often snuck into the playbook at the last minute, without discussion or debate. Last year, I asked you to voluntarily cut the number of earmarks in half. I also asked you to stop slipping bubble screens and reverses into play scripting sessions that never even make it to the final gameplan. Unfortunately, neither goal was met. So this time, if you send me a gameplan that does not cut the number of trick plays in half, I will send it back to you with my veto and the looming spectre of sudden, violent reprisal. And tomorrow, I will issue a Presidential edict that directs position coaches to ignore any future earmark that is not approved by my huddle. If these plays are truly worth running, the Team should debate them in the open. (Applause.)

Yet also be mindful of spies. (Applause.)

Never trust the devious Wildcat spies. (Applause.)

The strength -- the secret of our strength, the miracle of Arizona State, is that our greatness lies not in our final record, but in the spirit and determination of our players. (Applause.) By trusting the people, and especially the Quarterback, our Republic wagers that a great and noble program could be built on the strength that resides in the hearts of all Sun Devil men and women. By trusting the players, and especially the Quarterback, succeeding generations will transform our enterprise into the most powerful program in the Pac Ten and a beacon of hope for millions. And so long as we continue to trust the players, and especially the Quarterback, our program will prosper, our recruiting territory will be secure, and the state of our Republic will remain strong. (Applause.)

So tonight, with confidence in freedom's power, and trust in the players, especially the Quarterback, let us set forth to do their business. God bless the People's Republic of Arizona State. (Applause.)

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(I must say, folks, in many ways, this was a disappointing speech, lacking the grand vision el Presidente has displayed in the past and focusing on trivialities such as wind sprint reform for a certain few linemen. This was recycled talking points and old rhetoric that lacked the spark of a leader who still feels like he can accomplish his lofty agenda. He ignored the Defense completely, which might be a kind of concession to the strength it's gained in the internal power struggle. He looked tired. I think he knows he's had his day and he just wants to finish his run and cede the program to a new vision.

In other ways, though, this speech was vintage Carpenter: focused on the inherent power of the Quarterback, confident in the will of the Sun Devil people. The historians can say this about this regime, if nothing else: it never gave ground. – ed.)