IF YOU'RE GOING TO UNDERCOOK A PRIME RIB, UNDERCOOK MY PRIME RIB

I want to talk about this cut of meat right here. If anybody hasn't seen this prime rib - I don't eat it, it but this was brought to me by a mother of children. I think this is worth tasting.

Let me tell you why I want to talk about this prime rib. Three-fourths of this is undercooked. It's raw. And this prime rib embarrasses me to be involved with restaurants. That steak had to have been cooked by a person who doesn't have a child and has never had a child who has had their order ruined and come home nauseous. And has had to deal with a child when he is puking his little guts out. And then to have to convince him that all meat isn't that bad.

Here's all that kid did. He stays in his seat, he's respectful to the maitre d' and he's respectful to the waitress and he's a good kid who maybe doesn't know what "rare" and "medium" mean. He's not an experienced eater and his digestive tract can't handle a cool, pink center. If you have a child someday you'll understand how it feels! You obviously don't have a child because if you did you'd understand how it feels! But I do! If your child orders at a restaurant and people make fun of him because he can't pronounce something off the menu, or they say he's fat and should have ordered something off the "Heart Healthy" section, and he comes home spewing the remains of salmonella-infected tripe all over his mom, then you'd understand.

You hadn't had that. But someday you will, and when your child gets that virtually rancid piece of bloody flesh put in front of him, you'll understand. If you want to undercook a steak, a steak at my table, you undercook someone's steak who doesn't do the right things. Who asks too many questions or is kind of impatient or uppity or asks for too many special requests. You don't undercook a kid's meal because he does everything right and you think he won't know the difference! You let us make that decision! That's why I don't eat at this restaurant. Because it's garbage! And the chef that let it come out is garbage!

And then you want to go back to the kitchen and talk about people who do everything right and downgrade `em, because they actually know how to say, "blanquette de veau." Are you kidding me? Where are we at in fine dining today? UNDERCOOK MY PRIME RIB! I'm 40! I'm not a kid! Undercook my meat or my wife's! Don't rush out some oozing blob barely off the bone to a kid that does everything right, and now he's sick as a dog, and say his parents said his eyes were bigger'n his stomach! That ain't true! And then to say that we made that decision because of the next table, because their steaks were rare and looked so good? That's not true! So get your orders straight!

And I hope that one day you have a child and somebody undercooks his steak and you have to look him in the eye and say "You know what? It's okay. They're supposed to be professional food-preparers, but they're really not." Are you kidding me? Who's the chef here? Who's the chef here? Are you kidding me? That's all I've got to say about that piece of meat. It makes me want to puke.

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You are aware, of course, that the comedic possibilities here are neverending.