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Text of Rudy Carpenter's Address Concerning the Emerging Shovel Pass Gap

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Comrades, as a leader, I have been following the situation and studying the influence of certain innovations on strategy and the effects of these innovations on the relations between an offense and defense.

Head of State Carpenter.
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There was a time, which some in this room may remember, when there was no five-receiver set, no communication devices for coaches, no jumbotrons, certainly no spread option. Over the past two or three decades we have witnessed a succession of several generations of formations and technology that have now penetrated all spheres of football, and this is dramatically changing the very terms of our existence. The field has compressed; distances to first downs have shrunk.

Formation technologies are important in implementing projects and programs in areas such as rushing, passing and trickeration. The fast-moving and accurate hand signals and men in motion often trigger developments of momentous importance, changing not just the defensive conditions but the overall situation on many plays. You know that the strategy of the People's Republic of Arizona State has remained on the very cutting edge of such innovations, to the benefit of all its players, and that such struggles as throwing ten interceptions in conference games, suffering a negative turnover margin and finishing sixty-first in passing offense are the result of factors outside of the Republic's control, and never its system, which is very modern and among the best the world has ever known.

We now know, comrades, that whatever problems we faced last year were due to injuries to los manos del presidente. It is understood what a shock it must be that your powerful and wise leader could be injured, but of course it was due to this ill-fortune that your leader appeared to throw four interceptions against California and combined to complete just 20 of 57 passes with three interceptions and no touchdowns in what were deemed by the capitalist NCAA "losses" to Oregon State and UCLA. But remember, comrades, remember who it was who led the glorious offense of the Republic when the ball could not be gripped, when the winds whipped and howled in the frozen heights of Colorado's Rocky Mountains? You must ask yourself, when my predecessor whose name must never be spoken injured his hand, was he leading the offense to victory? He was not. My predecessor was sitting on the bench with all knuckles intact while others took charge and achieved great accomplishments in his stead, such as leading the nation in passing efficiency and bringing the Republic glory as Most Valuable Player of the Insight Bowl, and that is why he is no longer your leader.

As my hands are healed today, comrades, ahead of schedule and stronger that at any time in their history, we must frankly address our strategic future. We are indeed going through a formation revolution that redefines the world in which we compete. But the questions are whether our thinking is moving fast enough given this very rapid process and whether our philosophical, strategic and moral analysis of the formation revolution and its consequences is moving fast enough.

If our thinking is indeed lagging behind, could we perhaps become hostages to formation technologies if everything is subordinated to the blind greed of points, and if not enough attention is given to the interest of people - that is, to the interests of the walk-on as well as to those of the all-conference starter? That could have unpredictable consequences.

It is with great urgency on this point that I reveal to you this morning the intentions of our hated rivals to introduce a new weapon into its attack, which they have named "the shovel pass." We have known for some time that the backward dogs at Arizona have undergone an effort to modernize the school's schemes with the spread initiative already taken years ago by more advanced offenses such as our own. Previously, we have questioned their commitment to change. But the threat is very real, comrades.

We have provided each of you with a rough outline of what we believe the shovel pass might look like. This is what we have learned about this new weapon of our enemy through our own intelligence and through media reports:

Study it. Know it. This play could save your life.
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The play, designed to counter blitzes, directs the quarterback to flip the ball forward to a running back or receiver.

The pass is a low-risk play with plenty of positives when executed properly.

Quarterback Willie Tuitama will drop back in the pocket - usually behind the guard who is pulling and tight with the tackle - and shovel the ball either to backs Chris Jennings and Xavier Smith or to a receiver in the area.

If the pass is dropped, it's incomplete. If it's caught but the receiver is brought down for little gain, the defense still has to respect the play, which might slow the pass rush.

When the play works at its best, Tuitama will dish off to a back right before the line converges on him, which leaves the middle of the field open.

The shovel acts like a draw at times, which attacks an area vacated by a blitzer when the quarterback flips the ball forward. It settles down defenses, which could result in less pressure on a quarterback in the pocket and more time to look deeper.

It's a safe trick play that could help cut down on sacks.

We have learned that Arizona has conducted tests on this play on at least three occasions during scrimmages and believe its coaches will not hesitate to deploy it in a possible game situation. As you can easily see, this devious strategy will only advance the Wildcat dogs' ability to counter our defensive strategies, which will lead to a further counter by our defense to account for this insidious innovation, and will escalate in a maniacal "race" in the adoption of formations, motions and strategies which could lead to the eventual destruction of one or both teams. Comrades, we must not lose this race.

We have regarded Arizona for too long with condescension and disdain, and it is time to face the threat posed to our defense and our recruits. I am calling on the athletic department and the Board of Regents to authorize research and funding so that the Republic may develop its own, superior version of the shovel pass. If this weapon is to be used against us, in advancing the end of the eventual demise of the Republic, our best hope of deterrence is the credible threat of retaliation.

It is important we recognize our unmatched strength in the region, but also that its continuation demands that we plan confidently for the changes of the future. Today, Arizona State must recognize the grave threat presented the shovel pass, and that the speedy adoption of this crucial innovation is essential to preventing an emerging shovel pass gap. This adoption must be completed by September of this year. The fate of our Republic commands it.

Echo From The Buttes, and long live the People's Republic of Arizona State.