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Friday Hub, NCAA R TTLY LAME! Edition

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Down Goes Text Messaging! Down Goes Text Messaging! Ignoring the wishes of American Football Coaches, the NCAA officially banned text messaging from coaches to recruits in all sports Thursday.

Per Bruce Feldman's quasi-profile of shirtless Tampa offensive lineman Matthew Patchan, we get a taste of some of the messages regularly received by some of our nation's largest impressionable young men:

The messages tend to be very basic, often ranging from "UR OUR GUY!" to "HOW R WE LOOKN?" to "CALL ME NOW."

The third message, I will bet the hypothetical farm, is from Nick Saban, who of course has no time for this. Text messaging with some kid? I'm a freaking millionaire. Call me on the phone. Now. But other Football Coaches of America, this is a disgrace. Are you not men? Did Bear Bryant ever send Joe Namath a note that said "OMG UR HOTT?" (No, but Bill Walsh did find his mechanics "sensual" - ed.) The emergence of a new, "instant" medium of communication does not relieve educated adults of conducting themselves with some basic sense of grammatical decorum. If you want my services, take the time to type all three letters in "are," please. Your privileges are revoked for bad form.

Dan Hawkins reacts:
"You know me, I'm one of those guys that if they tell you that you're only going to play two quarters, I get ready to play two quarters instead of four." Accept his wisdom without scutiny.

Jim Cramer Advises Cities To Buy On Bowls: If we want to put an end to matchup-dilluting, mediocrity-rewarding bowl glut, keep this information under wraps. Once it gets out the total economic impact of 140,000-plus visitors for three area bowl games was good for $401.7 million to the local economy - about two and a half times what the same study said it raked in in 2003, the last time the mythical championship was the Fiesta Bowl - every city that doesn't already host some two-bit game is going to want one. Glendale's total investment for both BCS games at University of Phoenix Stadium was a little over $2 million, meaning the area received a mere 191 percent return on investment.

"Football Jesus" Rises From Torn MCL! UCLA finally "found all the information [it] needed" to settle on Ben Olson as its starting quarterback over USC-felling Patrick Cowan - more or less:

"Ben was more consistent and threw for a higher percentage and that was the difference," Dorrell said.

Asked what Olson's completion percentage was during spring drills, Dorrell said, "It was higher," then added, "he did a nice job. The accuracy and completion percentage really doesn't matter, but it was better."

Dorrell avoided characterizing the decision as final. Asked whether he might change his mind if Cowan outplays Olson when fall practice begins, Dorrell said, "Let's get to the fall."

Completion percentage was the difference...but doesn't matter. Olson is the starter...until we get to the fall. Got it, coach.

Dwight Schrute thrilled to be named UCLA's starting quarterback.
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For the record, Olson mostly outplayed Cowan last year: he was 4-1 as a starter before he went down for the year against Arizona and completed 63 percent of his passes to Cowan's 52 percent. The Bruins lost all of Cowan's first four starts, but rallied to win the final three in the regular season, capped by the defensive win over SC, before dropping the bowl game. The downside to Olson: he's a statue in the pocket waiting to be knocked out again, which Cowan is definitely not.

Warren Wants Out! Florida State tight end/receiver Brandon Warren was probably the brightest spot in the Seminole offense as a true freshman, so it's no wonder he's having to appeal to get a release from FSU to transfer to Tennessee to be closer to his mother, who has had health problems with cancer. Deirdre Warren told the Orlando Sentinel she "doesn't want people to be thinking I'm dying, because I'm not," but she will appear today with her son via teleconference with an FSU advisory board to demonstrate "extraordinary personal hardship" to get out of his commitment to the university. The next step for Warren is the NCAA, regardless Florida State's decision, either to continue his appeal or to figure out his eligibility because he withdrew from school in February, before the end of his freshman year.

All Under the Same Ceiling: Clemson still hates its cross-state rival, okay? Never question the hate. But even if the Tigers have no plans to borrow money for their own stadium project, when South Carolina asked it to push the state legislature to raise the debt ceiling for facility upgrades more than three-fold, from $60 million to $200 million, Clemson AD Terry Don Phillips knew where his bread was buttered in the long term. Reached on the sixteenth hole, Steve Spurrier said he's grateful for Phillips' cooperation, and still wants to crush his team by eight touchdowns. Now watch this putt.

Ironses Will Feed and Entertain! Hey Atlantans - bored this Saturday? Hungry? Why not head out to Dacula High and join the draft bash for Auburn's Irons Brothers:

The father of the football-playing Irons brothers of Auburn has lined up sponsors, hired a band, called in TV crews and promises a good time for anybody who cares to celebrate with him at his draft party Saturday at Dacula High School outside of Atlanta.
Their dad says the day will be more than just a family affair.

"Everybody's welcomed," he said. "Plus, it's better than just sitting around the house waiting for the phone to ring."

David Irons is stoked you're stopping by, dude.
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I don't know if anything is better than sitting around waiting for the phone to ring, personally, but it sounds like a good time, anyway. And don't worry about paying – they got sponsors! Must be watching a lot of Entourage.

Quickly: Houston Nutt told boosters he "knows who the group is" trying to push him to quit with what Frank Broyles called "evil, sinful, un-Christianlike things," but Nutt refuses to crack ... Calvin Johnson: "I don't do drugs" ... Three months into his gig at Texas Tech, Jack Bicknell Jr. is bailing to coach the offensive line at Boston College ... The  Gainesville Sun counts down the top ten Florida draft picks ... UF's Jarred Fayson is recovering from minor surgery Thursday ... Per the Arizona Republic, Chris Henry's draft stock is rising, and the ex-Wildcat is blogging about it on Yardbarker. What we learn: airport floors are disgusting ... Georgia's Daniel Inman is looking for a clean slate from the draft ... USC's outgoing (in every sense) center Ryan Kalil may rise into the first round ... San Jose State is replacing Tennessee in 2008 with a much more forgiving trip to...Nebraska? Cal's last Knoxville visit in mind, the Mercury News calls it an upgrade ... A day before Stewart Bradley gets taken by the NFL, the Lincoln Journal Star breaks out the archives for its first mention of the then-walk-on in 2003 ... Tommy Bowden: Still walking on egg shells ... The Austin American-Statesman profiles Hugh Wolfe, the first ever Longhorn draft pick. Check out the name on the front of the jersey.

No "Rap Sheet" dirt today, but as noted Thursday, State College police are still expected to announce charges against as many as six Penn State players with trespassing, burglary and/or simple assault for the mass party crash on April 1. Good times.