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SMQ as Dictator: Proposed Rule Changes

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Like just about anything good these days, this is Orson's idea, but when the NCAA rules committee wraps up its alleged review the dreaded "3-2-5-e" clock changes today in Albuquerque, SMQ would like to see a few more proposals mulled:

• Overtime: Following the venerable tradition of international soccer and the NHL, overtime periods will scrap any semblance of the sport's actual rules by instituting a decisive, EA Sports-style "Oklahoma" drill beginning at the defense's ten. Running backs stepping outside of tackling dummy-designated boundaries are berated via public address system by coaches who stalk the drill, Orgeron-style, screaming as veins strain from their neck like the drill sargeant on Ren and Stimpy until humilated players respond - as one of SMQ's high school teammates once did after being berated for a lackluster effort during Oklahoma - by offering, "My balls ain't dropped yet, coach."

• Lions!: Tried entertainment by civilizations for centuries and undoubtedly true. Similar to EDSBS' rule relating to sideline reporters, but the strategic element of the game is dramatically enhanced in all three phases by predators randomly released from beneath the field, Gladiator-style (except in the final two minutes, obviously, when certain rules can become rather arbitrary - "The lions won't be out here, Bob, so they can work those sidelines."). The reader may be thinking, "Wait, weren't there tigers in Gladiator?" and technically, yes, there were. But tigers, while also representing a possible bias to certain schools, mascot wise, will never offer an excuse to play a Jumbotron intro as bad as this (sound is effective, but likely TLFW):

King of the jungle!
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• Halftime Show: Marching bands at neutral sites, bowl games, conference championships and in-state rivalries replaced with campus slam poetry squads, who break down barriers between "audience" and "performer," "critic" and "fan," "winning" and "losing," while attempting 25-yard field goals for two tickets to next month's Homecoming date with Tulane.

• Membership: Attendance requirement to remain a member of the Bowl Subdivision raised from 15,000 over two years to 25,000. And no more games against schools from smaller divisions, period (current requirements stipulate only that 60 percent of opponents must I-A schools).

• Agents: Players may hire an agent before eligibility is complete, but only if the agent is Ari Gold, and only if they sign on to do fucking Aquaman instead of trying to bang an extra on the apple box they give low-budget wankers on the set of some indie bullshit for Sundance.

• The Reggie Ball Rule: Alumni may vote one returning starter out of the lineup before the start of fall practice; for quarterbacks, the benching is automatic for juniors or seniors if height, completion percentage and decision-making falls below a certain level relative to a numerically-based assessment of receiving talent. Restricted from message boards and other public forums to prevent opposing fans from influencing the proper expulsion of an obvious liability. Caveat: the player keeps his scholarship and gains a redshirt year in anticipation of the same fans desperately pleading for his return by November.

His legacy commands it, NCAA.
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• Related and recommended: Slam Poet Promoted to Head Greeter (The Hammer)