Text as delivered by El Presidente Rudy Carpenter, el Dictador Supremo de la República Popular del Estado del Arizona
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We are now at such a moment.
When I made manifest the Will of the People just one short year ago, none of us could have envisioned what that year would bring. In the heart of this great program, we saw tragedy arrive on a zone blitz. A dastardly, cowardly blitz that no one could have possibly seen coming, no matter how many hours of diligent film surveillance (seriously, you can't audible every time you see a safety creeping into the box. Ideally, you know, but we play in the real world, and there are always gaps). In the face of such adversity, we saw the bravery of my administration grow with each setback. When we were told we could not succeed, we learned of the trips left Y 23 Bongo Jet on a doomed drive that died with a courage that frightened defenders, and true to my promise to you then, it has not been overthrown again.
We have seen a shaken defense rise to its feet. And we have seen Sun Devils in uniform storming two-tight formations and charging through double teams and liberating the ball with acts of valor that would make the men of 1996 proud.
Since my first taste of power in 2005, Sun Devilians have been given hills to climb and found the strength to climb them. Now, because we are making the hard journey, we can see the valley below. Now, because we have faced challenges with resolve, and with an extra back in to block on intermediate and long third down passes, we have historic goals within our reach and greatness in our future.
We have build a safer offense and a more hopeful fan base, and nothing will hold us back.(APPLAUSE)
Today, the Republic has achieved great things under my leadership. And yet the situation in the polls is unacceptable to the People -- and it is unacceptable to me. Our men in the field have fought bravely. They have done everything we have asked them to do. Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility undoubtedly rests with officials, who we know are often enemy agents, and in spite of all of this, we have achieved our goals. And yet the polls do not respect the Republic.
It is clear that we need to change our strategy to remain competitive in the BCS. So my strategic security team, Commandante Erickson, and various coordinators conducted a comprehensive review. We consulted members of the coaching staff from both sides of the ball, our conference allies, and distinguished outside experts. We benefitted from the thoughtful recommendations of the Oregon Study Group, a bipartisan panel led by senior advisor and Supreme Middle Linebacker Robert James. In our discussions, we all agreed that there is no magic formula for success in Eugene. And one message came through loud and clear: Failure in Oregon would be a disaster for the People's Republic of Arizona State.
The enemy shalessly commits unnatural acts in public and spits on the values of Arizona State.
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The consequences of failure are clear: Radical Harris and Coaches Poll extremists bent on shaming Arizona State would grow in strength and gain new recruits. They would be in a better position to topple moderate voters, create chaos in the BCS, and use Nike revenues to fund their ambitions to advance the interests of our enemies in the region. Oregon would be emboldened in its pursuit of a conference championship. And rest assured, my fellow Devils, their evil ambitions will not stop there. On September the 30th, 2006, we saw to just what lenghts the capitalist extremist dogs of our conference are willing to go to destroy the Republic and advance their own swooshed agenda of death.
The most urgent priority for success in Oregon is security, especially in third-and-long. Our past efforts to secure the quarterback have failed for two principal reasons: there were not enough backs left in the backfield to secure blitz lanes that had been cleared by stunts and twists, and there remain too many unilateral restrictions on the blockers we did have, such as the absurd admonition against "holding," resulting in too many yards lost due to penalties enforced by capitalist stooge line judges. Our offensive commanders reviewed the new Oregon plan to ensure that it addressed these mistakes. They report that it does. They also report that this plan can work.
Many listening tonight will ask why this effort will succeed when previous operations to secure a conference championship did not. Well, here is the difference: In earlier operations, Arizona State lacked the strong leadership of my administration. This is a strong commitment. But for it to succeed, our commanders say the offense will need help. So we will change our strategy to help the defense carry out their campaign to put down the spread option and bring a great victory in time of possession. This will require increasing outside force levels. So I've committed more than 20,000 additional Arizona State defenders to be deployed to Eugene. The vast majority of them -- five brigades of strong safeties -- will be deployed to spy Dennis Dixon. These defenders will work alongside defensive line units with one overriding, well-defined mission:to help Arizona State linebackers clear blocks and secure outside contain, to help them protect the backside cutback lanes, and to help ensure that the secondary forces left behind are capable of providing the downfield security against retaliatory bombing we so desperately need.
Fellow Republicans: The days ahead will demand more patience, sacrifice, and resolve. It can be tempting to think that Arizona State can put aside the burdens of an undefeated record. Yet times of testing reveal the character of a program. Now Arizona State is engaged in a new struggle that will set the course for a new Pac Ten champion. Arizona State has no greater treasure than its win percentage, and for the safety of that precious record, Arizona State must succeed in Eugene.
Thank you, and ¡vive los diablos del sol!