Some corporate entities and clubs that seem to exist for no reason outside of doling out trophies at lavish dinners his morning, the Downtown Athletic Club of SMQ introduces an ongoing feature of the next couple weeks: the prestigious SMQ Readers' Choice Awards for excellence in whatever quirky field crosses his mind, with winners selected by you. Results will be announced sometime later this month, whenever clever categories run dry. Everyone who stops by is encouraged to participate by clicking the appropriate circle in the "Poll" section of the righthand sidebar.
The D'Brickashaw Onyenegecha Trophy
Presented to the most outstanding name in college football
Like its namesakes, the D'Brickashaw Onyenegecha Trophy rewards not only creativity, multiculturalism and eloquence, but also funny-sounding oddity.
The nominees are:
Asaph Schwapp Fullback, Notre Dame
Lyrical in its deployment of the quaint, Old World-style first name, but virtuostic in the violent onomatopoiea of the surname: "Asaph really schwapped that linebacker at the point of attack, Rod..."
Jim Bob Cooter Quarterback, Tennessee
The career backup saw no game action, again, but lives on into the Stereotype Hall of Fame for both his down-home moniker and stellar alcohol consumption.
Gurminder Thind Offensive Tackle, South Carolina
Lou Holtz may cite age and an ugly brawl in his final game as catalysts for his retirement after the 2004 season, but its real cause was the pronunciation requirements of the incoming French Canadien's cognomen.
Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada Quarterback, Navy
Aside from smashing the previous Tuiasosopo standard of unpronoucability, entering the tongue-twisting realm of that one fish, rocks the rare double hyphen and introduced the most tightly-packed, indecipherable jersey name this side of "Verdun-Wheeler."
Not Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, but close
Chubb Small Running Back, Marshall
Delivers as "most unfortunate," though - with Southern Miss kicker Britt Barefoot around - falls short of "most apt." Chubb is grateful, SMQ is sure.
Mike Klinkenborg Linebacker, Iowa
Centuriese-old alien overlord continues to make tackles in the guise of a Rapid City, Iowa, hulk, but the retention of his traditional name from his native Virgo Cluster around M87, where running backs are a full four links away on the food chain, is a clue to his true evolutionary origin.
Those are the candidates. SMQ has the first vote, and casts it in favor of Schwapp. The rest is up to you.
If you have any award ideas for SMQ, please leave them in the comment section. Spam-deflection means you'll have to register, but it couldn't be easier.