Why does everyone think I, like, like like Nick Saban? We are just friends. I can't figure out why all these rumors are going around that I am soooo into him. Get real.
Would I pursue a relationship with Nick if he were available? I don't know. That's not the situation. Haven't thought about it. He keeps saying he's happy with his beautiful pro job in Miami, and he seems that way. Of course he totally deserves it. I'm trying to deal with reality here, ya know? I've never made him an offer. He is with Miami and that is reality. If something was going to happen between us, don't you think it would have by now? Seriously.
I mean, of course I've known Nick forever, all the way back to LSU when he won the national championship. I feel like I really know him, really know him, for who he is on the inside, which I'm not sure is the case in his current relationship. Sure, they respect him, they seem to try to be good to him, but are they really meant to be together? That is for Nick to decide. I know it just eats him up to be in a situation where he has to put up with a losing record. But I'm not all, like, 'OMG plz dump him I can't wait!' or finding secret pleasure in the Dolphins losing at home on Christmas or holding out because I heard the team might be on the market. Their relationship seems okay, and I would never root for any sort of breakup if he's happy.
It says `Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors' wife," not coach. Not that he is their coach anymore. Or that he's coveted. Just sayin'...
Lest you forget: I'm nothing to sneeze at myself. I think I'm still one heck of a catch. Everybody acts like I'm just all hung up on P., God rest his soul, like I can't move on and make a good life with someone new. Well, just because you keep pictures and statues around to remind you of the good times with the love or your life doesn't mean you can't be happy with only their memory and another man. Life goes on. There was Gene. Remember Gene? Here was a guy I knew forever, kinda like Nick, but even a little better because he was around when I was with P., and look how wonderful that relationship turned out. It wasn't like with P. - god, how could it be? - but Gene was good to me, we were good together. He was very accommodating to my foibles, he wore the jackets - striking crimson ones, sometimes, my very, very favorites, he looked so dashing - even though he was never comfortable wearing the Houndstooth when I wanted him to put it on after the Sugar Bowl in '93. It had been so long since I'd felt so satisfied and fulfilled, like a real champion again, and I had to admit to him then, "These are the first happy weeks I've had in years. I know because..."
"Because I remind you of him," he said. "And not even that very much."
"No," I said. "No, Gene. It's you, too. There's something in you that..."
"You don't even want to touch me."
"Yes, I do."
"Couldn't you like me, just me, the way I am? When we first started out, it was so good. We had fun. And then you started in on the clothes. I'll wear the darned clothes if you want me to...if you'll just like me."
"The cap. Gene, please. It can't matter to you."
"If I let you change me, will that do it? If I do what you tell me...will you love me?"
"All right. All right, then, I'll do it. I don't care anymore about me."
Gene and P. in the good old days.
Well, diary, you know what happened next. I blew that one. Needless to say, things haven't been the same since. Gene was just too freaked out, and even though we are so close, I know we can never be together again (ugh, don't remind me of that drunken phone call after Dennis walked out). And so I've been stuck with these deadbeat, two-timing philanderers. And I get jilted in front of everybody in New York, of all places. That just made me look so pathetic, so miserable, lonely and desperate, that I was sooooo certain he would fall for my money and fame and status and the crowd I run with, when really I knew it wasn't meant to be. If only I hadn't told people we were seeing each other...
But obviously that doesn't mean I don't still have my pride, that I might just go out and offer myself to anyone who'll listen. Please! I've been around this block too many times for that. Of course, yeah, sometimes Nick and I talk. We're both going through a lot, right? But why does it always mean just because you call someone you just want them so bad? It doesn't even matter if I did happen to like him like that, because nothing's going to happen, so why even bother? I don't believe in this panting, "You're the only one for me" nonsense. In fact, I've intentionally not called him these past couple weeks, just to show that I am not so desperate. I know Nick and like Nick, and maybe in another time and place, if the situation was different, our relationship could be more. But God, why can't a football program and a coach just be friends?
Listen, diary, you know it and I know (well, you know it because I know it ; P): I am in control. Lots of people would love to fill my coaching vacancy. I will find the right man this time.
University of Alabama Football