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Spurrier to Remain at South Carolina, Take Over Top Spots at Miami, Alabama

College football never comes closer to The Star or The National Enquirer than in the weeks immediately preceding or following an inevitable, rock bottom, spirit-crushing dealbreaker against a lackluster rival ends the most painful season in a program's recent history, and the giddy exuberence of regime change takes hold among the desperate masses. Fly, rumors, fly.

It's helpful to remember in this environment that no one is telling the truth at any juncture, and denials are merely a certain prelude to the announcement of a deal actually formalized in blood in a hyperbolic chamber underneath the false floor in the smokey back room out of the speakeasy scene from The Road to Perdition in a booster's Montana hill country compound following the first excruciating defeat back in September. So when Steve Spurrier is forced to fervently deny his intentions of taking over a position for a coach fewer than five years removed from a mythical championship appearance and who has not resigned or been fired, it is all a cover-up.Spurrier is packing his speedos for South Beach as we speak, and if Larry Coker must be rooted like a rodent out of the Tony Montana/Gary Barnett-like barricade serving as his office in these final days, this is what must transpire in the name of progress.

Larry Coker inherits a Miami tradition: when the time comes, there's nothing to do but sit and wait

It's also important to remember that, when a coach specifically denies he's departing for a rumored position not yet available at another school, it's because he's definitely departing for a rumored position not yet available at your school. His wife, after all, is in town looking at real estate. The reigning loser coach is maybe meeting with higher-ups. A famously crooked, dead booster's will just might designate funds for a buyout clause of the current, obviously incompetent director of doom's bloated contract. Third-hand denials sound a little fishy and uncertain. When the object of your affection says he's "very, very happy" at his current location, that is not a denial. He denied interest in the other guy. That is just coachspeak for "Without a doubt, I want to leave my current situation for this fantastic gridiron paradise where no game could ever be lost again with the slightest competence - me - in charge, but I am beholden to politics and leverage and other conspiratorial dictates you, loyal fan, do not need to understand."

Lastly, remember that, as bad is things may be for your school, your program, your pride, your rumors display at least enough hope to acquire an actual football coach, unlike some other programs you know:

Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo is helping the school search for a new football coach.

But don't expect him to be on the list of candidates.

Izzo, the subject of Internet and media speculation involving the replacement for fired football coach John L. Smith, dismissed the idea when asked if he was being considered for the job.

"I think it was far-fetched when it started," he said.

"Far-fetched," of course, being classic coachspeak for "Where do I sign?"