In July, prophet Orson Swindle dared members of football brotherhood to die before Saturday. Six days from Football Nirvana, SMQ solemnly advises: do not take this dare. On Sunday, you may expire. But do not miss the alignment of planets and stars throughout the infinite cosmos, the fulfillment of fickle fate, the culmination of decades of bloodshed and strife and youthful rebellion, all colliding into a cacophonous crescendo at 2:30 p.m. Central Daylight Time Saturday.

Football Nirvana officially begins when the American Broadcasting Company airs interregional, interconference matchups Miami at Louisville and Oklahoma at Oregon, each a rematch of a recent closely-contested battle; simultaneously, the National Broadcasting Company has pledged to feature longstanding Midwestern rivals Michigan and Notre Dame, while the Continental Columbia Broadcasting System airs the First Test of the Fates in the SEC, the Fate of the West, between the favored, twin Tigers, separated in ancient times from One into Auburn and LSU.

Just make sure Enlightenment comes with cable.

Coastal conflicts rage into the night, when the Worldwide Leader brings us a battle for the Atlantic, waged among Clemson and Florida State, while on the Pacific, the Leader's adopted father appropriates the name and appearance of of its progeny to present Nebraska at Southern Cal, one Goliath determined to confirm its return from exile, another improbably raging in defiance of the Eternal Laws of a Cruel and Indifferent Universe. While, at the same time, the Second Test of the Fates in the SEC, the Fate of the East, is commenced in the bitter struggle between familiar foes Tennessee and Florida.

Among the blissed-out legions, only those of the highest consciousness will maintain awareness of sectarian conflicts in the Hinterlands: Raiders and Frogs in Texas, Hawkeyes and Cyclones in Iowa, Spartans and Panthers in Pittsburgh.

Thus the land shall glow, sumptuous and fulfilled, purged of speculation, unburdened, through resplendence and riot. None yet defeated; in collective gridiron glory, transcendent. Ohm.

(okay, Miami and Clemson were defeated, barely, but y'all get the point).