Sun Belt Football Draws "TVMA" Rating
by SMQ on Oct 19, 2006 3:24 PM EDT
in News
2 comments
The responsibility had to fall to someone, and SMQ, accidental vanguard of obscurities such as chronicled in Mid-Major Mondays, did indeed spend precious hours Wednesday consuming the very lowly anticipated Florida Atlantic-UL-Lafayette fender bender. Or at least the second half. Or well, you know, most of the second half, when commercials were interrupting South Park's escalating and sublime assault on social mores concerning near-graphic depictions of statutory kindergarten rape; SMQ, for one, found FAU and ULL at least as offensive.
Let's go to the tale of the provocative tape:
South Park: Included post-coital scenes of a nude female kindergarten teacher in bed with an unintelligible five-year-old male student, while making it very clear verbally the two had just engaged in intercourse.
UL-Lafayette at Florida Atlantic: Combined for six turnovers.
South Park: Portrayed law enforcement and males in general as unprofessional, uncaring, neo-frat boys devoid of decency or perspective in even the most depraved instance concerning the sexuality of young, attractive women.
UL-Lafayette at Florida Atlantic: Portrayed Howard Schnellenberger as the "Best-Dressed Coach in College Football."
Schnellenberger: Niccccce
South Park: Trivialized the damaging effects of alcohol as a debilitating addiction as well the hardships and sacrifices endured during the often torturous process of recovery.
UL-Lafayette at Florida Atlantic: Trivialized the concept of offense with 15 punts, a long play of 23 yards and a zero percent conversion rate by Lafayette on 14 third down attempts.
South Park: Included the exchanges:
Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some, stick it inside her and pee.
and
Miss Stevenson: No, but when I was little my uncle used to make me and my sister kiss then take pictures of it.
Social Worker: Nice.
UL-Lafayette at Florida Atlantic: Included an exchange lasting the entire third quarter and consisting of endless rails against the University of Miami's most recent behavior on the killing fields of the Orange Bowl.
On this note, Stewart Mandel, of all people, has been perhaps most lucid:
Reading and listening to such virulent backlash, you would think Miami is the only program in the country that's ever experienced disciplinary problems.
[...]
You might not believe this -- you might not want to believe this -- but over the past decade, Miami has had fewer player arrests or NCAA-related incidents than almost any other major program in the country. Miami has not had 20-plus incidents involving shoplifting, assault, gun charges and failed drug tests over the past two years, as Tennessee has. Miami has not had to dismiss a star player for earning money through a phony job, as Oklahoma has. Miami has not had a star linebacker accused of sexual assault on the eve of its bowl game as Florida State did last year. And Miami's most recent Academic Progress Rate (956) placed it in the top 20 to 30 percent of all Division I football programs.
To the Miami lynch mob, however, none of this seems nearly as relevant as, say, its tawdry sportsmanship in a Cotton Bowl played 15 years ago, or the fact that the 'Canes showed up to a Fiesta Bowl two decades ago wearing army fatigues, or an NCAA Pell grant scandal that occurred more than a decade ago.
SMQ won't defend Miami en toto - uh, Brandon Meriweather? The recruitment of Willie Williams? - but a bench-clearing brawl is not unprecedented, nor the sign of the crumbling of civilization. It's a fight. It's a violent, emotional game and sometimes kids fight. One commentator Wednesday night wanted Miami's players out of college football and possibly banned from the NFL or any other football field for life; an otherwise silent sideline guy cut in twice to passively insist - via his own "concerns" about the situation - on Larry Coker's ouster. It sounded, if SMQ hadn't seen the video, like the backup offensive line went Last Boy Scout summarily executed FIU's training staff on the midfield "U."
Why did this particular instance of inappropriate fisticuffs have to reflect poorly on the entire landscape of college football, as opposed to the specific individuals who instigated and escalated it, and who have now been disciplined within the university structure? Why is this outside the typical purveyance of dumb kids doing dumb things? If there was injury and malicious or criminal intent, deal with those individuals criminally. But really, it was just another big fight.
Never before has such excessive depravity been witnessed on the pristine beacons of civility and a class you and I once knew as a football field, except all those other times.
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Treasure Among Trash
ULL led 6-0, and had a 4th and 3 from the FAU 32. FAU has only 1 TO, so a first down guarantees the win. And FAU needs a TD to win, while they haven't done anything at all on offense all night (avg drive 4.2 plays, 11.6 yards). To me, this is a classic situation of when to punt. When ULL came out on offense, I assumed they'd try to draw FAU offside, and if that failed take the delay of game penalty and try to pin FAU deep. Instead, they run the shotgun option, and the worst possible thing happens: the QB keeps the ball, and they lose nearly 6 yards.
FAU takes over at its own 38, and, as teams are wont to down, marching down the field, quickly down to the ULL 25 with about 50 seconds to play. I mean, this is perfect: they're out there quickly at the change of possession to avoid the loss of time, and lose no more than 2-3 seconds at the snap after a first down. Heck, they even call a run on 2nd and 2 (remember, they have a TO left, so they can take it if need be) and pick up the first down. Howard Schnellenberger still looks like he can coach. FAU gets lucky, too, when a ULL DB jumps an out route and drops the pick. Then, you're remembered this is a game played by humans.
FAU throws a quick hitch on 1&10, and the WR decides to try for extra yards instead of taking 4 or so and getting out of bounds. And gets tackled after 8 yards. FAU tries to run another quick play rather than taking their last TO, but has problems getting lined up and loses nearly 30 seconds (David Givens did the same thing for TEN against DAL at the end of the half and it cost them at least one chance for a TD) before running a play. See above re running: loses a yard, and they take a TO with 19 seconds left. They manage to throw for a first down, and go down, agonizing the announcers, who don't seem to realize the clock stops for a first down in college.
As they're hurrying to get the next play off from the FAU 12 or so (a spike, so they can huddle), they get assessed for a penalty I've never seen before: delay of game, for snapping the ball before it was marked for play. This is especially curious because ESPN2's clock had gone down 2 seconds (an error that wouldn't be corrected for a couple plays). Anyway, they throw end zone on the first play and it could have been completed, but the WR didn't fight through the incidental contact and it fell incomplete. 2&15 from the 17 or so with 7 seconds left. The announcers are braying about "backyard play, everybody go deep," not realizing that if you stop the clock, you can get 2 plays off. And FAU is smart: the QB looks deep, doesn't see anything, and dumps it off on a crossing route, and the WR smartly steps out at the 8 with 2 seconds left after seeing he can't make it to the end zone. More announcer idiocy: "ULL will have all their defenders deep on this play." THEY'RE ON THE FREAKIN' 8 YARD LINE, where are they going to line up, on the other side of midfield? And, against all forces of rightness and harmony, ULL wins the game. FAU has a post-corner route with the TE and slot WR, but ULL's deep guy picks up the slot WR on the post. There's room to hit the WR for the winning TD, but the pass is thrown slightly behind and the DB recovers enough to prevent the WR from catching the pass.
Such a minor game, two teams I have essentially no interest in aside from perhaps a curiosity as to FAU coach Howard Schnellenberger, such a cornucopia of suck for 58+ minutes, yet they improbably manage to produce one of the more compelling end-game scenarios I've ever seen.
by NewsToTom on Oct 19, 2006 4:17 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
OK Ending
I didn't think ULL made a bad decision to go for it (a bad play call, maybe) because they would have gained like 12 yards of field position on a touchback and I didn't think FAU would move the ball once they got it (if the CB had held onto the sure pick you referenced on the second play, they wouldn't have). But the Owls had like a third of their total yards on the last drive, and probably would have gotten another couple plays to win if a) that idiot receiver goes on out of bounds with 45 seconds, b) they use the timeout at that point rather than after c) the stupid run that cost another six or seven seconds for no gain. The receiver staying in bounds alone cost them at least 25 seconds.
by SMQ on Oct 19, 2006 6:34 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
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