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You Don't Know. You Just Don't Know. You Think You Know. But You Don't Know. And You Never Will.

Courtesy the creatively-paired Jim Mora, it’s your annual wake-up call from more-competent-than-you-think college officials:

Dennis Dodd, bored like the rest of us, did this thing last week where he took the test offered to officials by USA Football. It’s 100 extremely detailed questions about spotting, penalties and clock rules, and it’s a bitch. Dodd made a pretty dreadful 46; I came in at 55, which -- while twice as good as Dan Marino’s score, according to Dodd -- is still extreme failure by the standards of any class I took following remedial freshman algebra. What can I say? I couldn’t get my mind around the various formulas relating to slope and I’m soft on taunting.

I would like to say that, among my 45 incorrect answers, the rule referenced included the term "exception" three times. So it was close to a 58. Real officials take this test, and presumably navigate the intricacies much more effectively. For the layman, though, there’s really only one obvious question, and even that has nothing to do with anyone’s consumption of the rulebook:

54. 2nd an 8 @ A’s 38. Team A QB takes the snap and stumbles. The ball comes loose when the QB attempts to maintain his balance by holding the ball on the ground on A’s 32. Team B defensive tackle recovers on A’s 34 while grounded.

  __ A. A 3rd and 2 @ A’s 32.
  __ B. B 1st and 10 @ A’s 34.

Who might be my best option for a lifeline on that one? I wonder...

Star-divide

 

Thanks, Clint! I missed the spot-related questions on either side of that one, but thanks to your famous butterfingers, I pwned No. 54.

But my single favorite question, if only because I want to see an actual game "end" this way -- even if, under the right circumstances, it would never really end in the minds of anyone who witnessed it:

59. 3rd and 8 @ B’s 24. The score is A28-B27. Team A QB muffs the snap. Team B defensive tackle recovers, runs toward A’s goal line and fumbles on A’s 6. A Team A player recovers on A’s 2 and his momentum carries him into A’s end zone where he is downed. Time expires in the second half during the down.

__ A. Safety; Team B wins 29-28.
__ B. Momentum; Team A wins 28-27.

I got that one right, too, thankfully. But I won’t spoil it for the rest of y’all.

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Regarding question 59

C. Vegas wins millions.

(but lol, yeah, I’d love to see that too, despite the fact that it hits too close to home for comfort).

May the wings of liberty never lose a feather

by peacedog on Jul 7, 2008 1:19 PM EDT reply actions  

Ending I've always wanted to see

Team trails by six, scores TD on the final play … and the PAT is blocked and run back for two. Think Jaguars-Saints from a few years ago, but ten times worse because the PAT would have won it instead of forcing OT, and there’s a better than even chance someone (either on the field or in the booth) forgets that the other team can run it back and win.

by SpartanDan on Jul 7, 2008 6:54 PM EDT reply actions  

I'm pretty sure that happened in a I-AA game a couple years ago

But nothing will ever beat the Texas high school game, the incredible comeback lost on the last second kick return. Other than maybe the end of the big game in ‘All the Right Moves,’ the most devastating loss imaginable.

Thanks for bringing up that Saints game. Really, thank you.

by SMQ on Jul 7, 2008 7:26 PM EDT up reply actions  

App. State-Furman

...is probably the I-AA game you’re thinking of. It was a similar situation—Furman had scored to take a one point lead with seven seconds remaining on the clock. Furman then went for two and had the ball picked off and run back for a game-winning conversion by App State. (I know we have the benefit of hindsight here, but did they really think App State was going to have time to return the ensuing kickoff inside the 35 AND have time left on the clock?...)

There’s video here if you’re interested in seeing how it all went down.

by willwc on Jul 7, 2008 8:22 PM EDT up reply actions  

Don't mention it

I’m a Vikings fan; I’ve seen plenty that’s almost that bad. (The Arizona last-second TD to knock the Vikes out of the playoffs after a 6-0 start, for instance – not only did we get knocked out of the playoffs by fucking Arizona, we somehow managed to lose to all four of the teams that finished tied for the worst record in the NFL at 4-12. We were 8-4 against anyone who didn’t completely suck.)

by SpartanDan on Jul 8, 2008 6:09 PM EDT up reply actions  

Damnable pictures

Hey, thanks SMQ! I hadn’t felt the urge to curl into a corner and cry softly in months! That picture did the trick!

by Jerkwheat on Jul 8, 2008 10:34 AM EDT reply actions  

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