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Adidas Injects Spirit of Conquering Heroes By Osmosis

From the looks of things, Michigan will not exactly be sniffing around a Big Ten championship this year, and in fact takes the field with only a handful of fifth-year guys (most prominently, defensive starters Tim Jamison, Chris Graham, John Thompson and Morgan Trent) who rode the bench as true freshmen on the Wolverines' last conference championship team, in 2004. So just to make sure the newbies know where they are, new jersey manufacturer Adidas -- that's ah-di-DAHS, stupid American, not uh-DEED-us -- included a small reminder in the form of probably the strangest design element I've ever see on a football uniform:

If you're having a hard time reading that, those are "silicon prints" of the Wolverines' 42 Big Ten championship seasons, according to the note in my inbox from a rep of PR giant Hill & Knowlton, and unfortunately, no, they're not switching to backward numbers: the, uh, prints are only on the inside stitching of the shoulder, where even the players wearing them are unlikely to lay eyes on the past glories they're obliged to carry forth as they help each other pull the shirts tight over bulging shoulder pads. The hope, apparently, is that some of the Silicone of Victors™ somehow seeps into the players' bodies through their sweat glands, and that that imbues them with the spirit of valiant heroes before they succumb to lung difficulty, hardening of the breasts and dryness in the eyes, mouth and vagina (hey, as long as they stay away from pumping parties).

The inside of the jerseys will also feature the great stolen cliché, "Those Who Stay Will Be Champions":

Star-divide

But then it gets a little blasphemous, too, as you can see from this "detail" of the stitching on the road jerseys:

...which, as somewhat dismayed Michigan partisans have pointed out, is a little close for comfort to:

But, you know, it's just finely-wrought, state-of-the-art human motivational material from mines worked by the happy MGoDwarves of the Shembechleron galaxy a jersey.

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Not to get all facty or anything, but the Michigan defense has been relieved of the pure sucktitude that was Chris Graham. His eligibility – and our need to watch him try and tackle opposing ball carriers despite arms a mere 14 inches long – expired last year.

by SGRice on Jul 28, 2008 10:09 PM EDT reply actions  

Don't You Try and Forget You Bastard

I sent you the pics of our suitcase of beer and flask drinkin’ night out….you need to get those pics up. Not to mention Poodie’s tommorrow, you sun’ bitch. Be glad I’m still coherent enough to be polite. Champagne Supernova motherfucker.

by Roommate Guy on Jul 29, 2008 1:41 AM EDT reply actions  

I wonder how many players would have realized that the past conference championship years were sewn onto the insides of their jerseys if no one had pointed it out to them?

It seems like a waste of material…very dumb.

by NDDL08 on Jul 30, 2008 12:49 AM EDT reply actions  

and by "sewn onto"

you really mean “silicone prints” right?

by georgiablue on Jul 30, 2008 11:49 AM EDT up reply actions  

right. either way you slice it the design is pointless, stupid, and ugly all at the same time

by NDDL08 on Jul 31, 2008 1:06 PM EDT reply actions  

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