SMQ has no such skillz, but since Arrelious Benn's shocking realization is bringing all sorts of Big Ten types to SMQ, maybe some hunkered-down midwesterner in a snowed-in basement can do some justice to the satire potential in JoPa's hands:
Where will your diabolical software take us? A long-overdue Oscar statuette? A lithe young, blood-pumping neck? Donuts? Cinnamon buns? Personally, Paterno can't believe he lived long enough to be Photoshopped, whatever that is, exactly, though he's totally jake with it as long is it doesn't involve capturing his immortal soul.